The thing that concerned me about taking on the task of blogging is that I knew there would be days I would not want to do it, or that my topics weren't always going to be witty and a fun read.
Tonight is one of those nights.
It started last night by getting irritated with something my husband didn't do. I felt he could have done this task since I was in the middle of doing Valentine's (see Valentine Credit post). If I am in a good space I will ask him if he can do it and that will be that. When I am in the beginning of "something" I don't speak up, I give dirty looks and expect him to read my mind. I get huffy and puffy and the martyr gene takes over. I finish the Valentine's and then do the other task totally resenting it, but doing it, because if he didn't do on his own, then he obviously doesn't want to do it... and that makes him a total asshole.
Today I woke up with that dread. Dread for the day ahead, for the tasks that needed to be done. The dropping off and picking up and the just being awake, and being with myself. After laying in bed for a bit I decide to give in. I asked my daughter to take the dog out for his walk. I told my husband he would have to take the kids to school because I wasn't feeling well, and I buried myself deep under the covers.
I woke a few times covered in sweat from incredibly vivid dreams. I would lay there and try to get back into them because there were people in there I wanted to see again. My eyes were so heavy, I felt that I just could not stay awake, that it was something I had to do, stay in bed and sleep and see people no longer here.
I don't do this easily, I suffer from the guilt of my decision to shirk my duties, to lay the burden on my husband, to hide from myself and sleep half the day away.
I try to talk to myself by saying "you know this happens to you at least once a month for a few days. You have depression, PMS PMDD (any of a million acronyms for what boil down to a bad day) give yourself a break. You don't have to be like everyone else, maybe this is what your body and mind need, just a day off." But there is another part of my brain, that my therapist calls the "Misguided Allie," I call it my "Inner Critic" (I got this from Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way, a book I highly recommend). She is cruel and merciless. She does not believe I am in need of "me time" to recoup and treat myself with a little TLC. She thinks I am lazy. She thinks I am a quitter, and that I am never going to amount to anything. She tells me that if I haven't done anything by this age, it's clear I never will. That the therapist I had all those years ago that gave me that study on Irish Americans and how we are all dreamers, without the ability to follow our dreams, was dead on. She tells me that I am NOT a writer, I will NEVER be a filmmaker, that I should never have become a parent since I can barely take care of myself, never mind kids, a husband, pets, a house and all that goes with it. She also tells me that it is my punishment to live a life without fulfilling my creative endeavors by constantly struggling through every day, during every task, no matter how menial. She is a BITCH!
I recently started a new job that is WAY out of my comfort zone. When I am not in a funk I am on fire at my job. When I am in a funk that bitch is on fire and totally tears me to pieces, telling me "I told you so, this job is so NOT you. Why did you think just because you were passionate about the company and the products and the ability to educate people to institute change, that you could succeed?" There are days like this when I listen to her and wonder if I am going to be that person again, or still. That person who got accepted to Film School and never went. That person that worked for influential people in NYC, but quit and came home? Am I going to be that person that had four really excellent home gatherings in people's homes who wanted me to be there, educated people on something I am passionate about, sold products I believe will help those people, their family and the environment while sending a message to a corrupt industry, had fun, made money, made the top ten in sales for the month, and felt like she had accomplished something, only to give in to self doubt, hide under my covers and quit?
Misguided Allie, that suggests she is actually on my side, right? That I have to find a way to turn her around and work with me and not against me. She has been with me for the better part of my 42 years on this earth, it's about time I stopped listening to her and get her to see just how wrong she is. To get her to be my biggest fan and not my worst critic! A daunting task I do not know if I am up for, she is still misguided!