Saturday, February 15, 2014

Canine Intelligence? Eh, not so much

"Now is the winter of our discontent," well isnt that the understatement of the fucking century. I am NOT a winter person. I am not a cold weather person. I like to be warm, dare I say, even a little hot. I don't want to sweat like priest on trial, but I don't want to shiver and shake unless it is in the throws of passion.

To have to endure the whipping snow as I take my dog out for his nightly constitution is, well, an obligation as a pet owner. Once I'm out there I'm fine. My dog likes to walk around in our woods, sniff in the snow, charge for the compost pile and old frozen dungpucks of his own making. He smells almost every tree, the same trees that he smelled a few hours prior. He doesn't just go out, do his biusiness and come back in. He does a sort of circuit. And then he gets on a scent and I am knee deep in powder, not Eric Clapton's powder, but that cold, wet shit that keeps falling from the sky. The dog is even deeper so he hops like a dolphin would swim in and out of the water until he gets to a spot that he can stand.

When I adopted this dog I was told he was a "very smart dog." I thought "WOW, I have a smart dog. What could this possible mean?" I was also told he would be easy to train because he was so "food motivated." I now know smart dog is a debatable title and "food motivated" means he's a fucking beggar and will do the moon walk for a bite of anything, cat shit, carrots, anything in the compost pile, anything he can sneak off a counter, and my fav, his own shit. Smart dog? Maybe a "survivalist dog," but smart, highly debatable. I mean if I met a person and someome told me, "oh she is very smart and highly motivated by praise" I wouldn't think for a second "Oh, she must eat her own shit and beg because that is one of the more accurate definitions of smart." I would more likely think, "oh my God this woman needs help, and a decent meal and a dental cleaning and a worm scan STAT!"

I mean lets face it, we love our animals. They are our unconditional pals. We can always count on them to cuddle and look at us as though we are, well in my dogs case, a piece of his own shit, highly appetizing and appealing to the eye. They love us, they love us because we feed them. They love us because we talk to them in that same stupid voice we terrify babies with, and they love us because we take them out in knee deep snow for 30 minutes while they walk in circles and end up shitting in the same place they do everytime the go out. But mostly they just love us because we feed them.

I mean truth be told if this dog could talk he would ask me to ditch the three-year-old asshole who thinks he is ALL of the superheros, runs 100 miles and hour only to be stopped in an instant by whatever obstacle he is headed for, and is always trying to see how far he can push before the dog gets a good growl on. The same three foot monster who yells out every time he has to take a pee and constantly has to be reminded, "Don't forget to flush, put the seat down and wash your hands." He would probably ask me to ditch the ten year old for yelling at him to stop, whatever it is he does, she yells at him to stop. Basically she wants him to stop being a dog. We actually thought maybe we should have gotten a ceramic dog so she could enjoy seeing a dog on a daily basis, but he woudln't do anything that would cause her anxiety. And lastly he would ask to get rid of the guy that tries to share our "bed" because he takes up too much room and doesnt like being jumped on, in the stomach, at 4 a.m. when said doggie is looking for a cuddle, which said guy DOES NOT DO WITH ANIMALS!

Maybe this dog is smart. But I doubt it. I think dogs were put on this Earth for people like me, who, after alientating the rest of the family by my foul moods, will jump on the bed, slam his body down onto my side and look at me like I am a hot and steamy one! And he melts my heart.









3 comments:

  1. Hey col, i hear you! love my dog, but man he can be a pain in the butt. I worry a little about the growling though. I have one unhappy story of a growly shelter dog, and one happy story of a reformed growly shelter dog. We should chat!

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    1. Hi Becca,
      I would def like to chat. I want to be clear the dog never showed his teeth or growled viciously. But I hear you.
      Let's have coffee soon.
      C

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  2. ROFL!! Check his nutrients in his food... sometimes when they eat their poo, it's 'cause they are missing out on nutrients. Or, he could just be bored. Or, he could be picking it up as a "job" because he sees you picking it up and thinks "I will do it for you." Hector used to do that, I am not kidding. He would beat me to it so that he was doing the work instead of me!

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