I promised myself I would blog every day, a challenge to someone with consistency issues, among others. So this is my blog. Not much to write. Not feeling inspired. Just want to get in bed and sleep until Spring. Have had a few rough days emotionally and tonight it's to the point where thinking of a topic is even too much to ask of me.
This is what it's like living with depression and major anxiety. I hate it. It ambushes me body, mind and soul. It holds my creativity hostage and covers everything a veil of grey. Yesterday I had a full-blown meltdown and threw myself down in the snowfilled driveway. Tears, anger and rage topped with sadness mixed with the all too familiar, hopelessness. I fucking hate mental illness. I promised myself I woud stop being it's victim, but it still doesn't stop it from seeping into my brain reminding me that it's still there, like a stalker showing up here and there to let you know he didn't go away.
I can't wait for this to lift so I can get back at it. "It" meaning life, being a functional Mom and wife and blogger and worker. It's like I go AWOL. The thing that sucks even more than when I was younger is that my kids are starting to notice and I am going to have to start educating my ten year old about depression. Something I NEVER wanted to have to do, but something I would never not do. She needs to know, and she needs to hear it from me. My biggest fear about having children was that they were going to get the depression/anxiety gene. That is still up there, but talking to them about my own depression is something I am not looking forward to. I have started to with my ten year old, but I was very brief, at the time it wasn't necessary to go too deep. The older she gets the more I need to share. I don't EVER want her to think it's her fault. I dont ever want her to think that my behavior when I am in a rage is acceptable. (Please know I have never been physically or mentally abusive to my children. My husband has definitely dealt with the verbal wrath, but 99% of the time it's me, it's that bastard depression and the bitch Miss Allie!)
So for now please forgive me for not being inspired.
I really am loving writing this blog. The one thing I didn't want to make it all about was my depression, it has already taken over so much of the spotlight in my life, I WILL NOT let it take over my blog. I also promised myself I would not hold back, if I was in the depression and I could write about it I would because I feel it's by duty as someone who may be able to help someone else if they are feeling alone and can read a blog that says "you are not alone and you are not a freak," but at this moment that's all I can say.