Gotta do what we gotta do

I haven't felt this tired at bedtime in a long time. Real, honest to goodness tired. Not tired from depression, or from racing thoughts and panic attacks. It's from functioning through an entire day with focus and energy.

I started a new med, which I am very nervous about. I have been on a mission to live a more natural life, but this winter was starting to bring me down to the depths! I know what I want to do and will eventually get myself there, naturally, but in the mean time I needed a little help from chemistry. It pained me to accept the prescription. I felt a bit of failure, but I also felt like I was doing something unselfish. My family needs me, they love me and they have seen too many bouts of taking to bed, crying jags and bursts of rage. It's not fair to them. They love me and I love them. And I think I may even love myself, but that is a whole other post further down the pike!

I want to be a functioning human being and a productive member of this family. I have two incredible  kids and a husband who has endured more than his share of trauma at the hands of my illness. It's time we all get a break and time for me to life my life, our life, a life worth living!

I started the medication this morning around 10 a.m. and I knew it was working by 11 a.m. when my sister-in-law asked me the name of the script and I answered "AMAZEBALLS!"

It's definitely stimulating, but not as jarring as the others the docs have tried in the past. The ones where I walk around in circles doing a little of everything and not finishing anything and feeling so many inspirational things but they were just out of my grasp because the stimulation was not helpful, it was over the top, and a feeling I can't imagine anyone wanting to feel for any period of time!

Today I ate breakfast with my son and we went to to the local romp and stomp and hung at a new library and I was able to patiently and lovingly explore the globe with him and the planets. It was an absolute pleasure. I actually enjoyed my son, and I enjoyed how I was with him. I can't tell you what a feeling that is, it's like finding a lost family heirloom, so precious and so appreciated and so dearly missed. Having feared it would never surface, thinking you may have to just let it go and accept that it is gone for good.

I'm taking it one day at a time and I am still of the belief that meds are temporary and my goal is to live a more natural and less chemical life. But for now I will do what it takes, and I will be okay with it.

One day at a time.

AMAZEBALLS! Ask for it by name. ;)


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