Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Nothing is a guarantee, but you still have to try

"O Captain! My Captain!" (prescription medication being my adversarial captain)

Well, tomorrow I go back into the trenches. My second dose of the "mild stimulant."

I am dreading it.

I have hemmed and hawed over giving it another shot and still don't know if I want to take it. The doc said if it doesn't work tomorrow I will go on a regular dose rather than a slow release so it will come out of my system quicker and I can take it twice a day.

When I asked the doc if he thought this would be something that could get better his answer was "You're sensitive to these things. It could get worse, it could get better, it could stay the same..." Pretty much what I already knew from all the years of going through med trials, but asked for my husbands sake.

The major reason I am going to take tomorrows dose is for my husband. He saw a glimmer of the "old me" and it really gave him some hope that I could get better. It's saying something that the poor guy is actually expressing his opinion about me giving it another go. His take this time is more like "You have to be optimistic about this and give it a try." "Stay positive and keep trying." He is usually pretty comfortable with my decisions because he doesn't know this business. I think he is banking on this medicine's efficacy. I am afraid he will be greatly disappointed.

I am sick to my stomach thinking that in about eight hours I am going to take a pill that is going to wreak havoc on me for 48 hours. Eighteen milligrams of hell. But hey, who knows, it might not be as bad as the first dose. The amount of times I have heard this and gone through this is actually pathetic!

The first few hours of my first dose was almost ethereal.

I was chatty and upbeat, dare I say bubbly. There was a look in my husband's eyes that said "where the hell have you been these last five years? Welcome back and don't ever go away. And can I go out with the guys, and can you deal with all the shit you haven't been able to do because I really need a break and I am so happy you're back. I really, really missed you! And maybe later I can get lucky?" It was quite a look.

I actually had to mentally tamp myself down because I knew it was a medicinal effect and not an actual behavior. It was too fast and too good. I had the shakes and jitters. They were mild at first, like I had too much coffee, but then I got that tired feeling like when you've had two beers. Not enough to get you drunk, just enough to make you want to go to bed. But it was also a feeling of exhaustion on another level. A mental level. Like my brain and body were saying okay "that little shit of a pill you took earlier is acting like a fucking four year old in here and we want it out." The little bastard took it's sweet time leaving too!

Went home, took a bath, "relaxed" in bed, tossed and turned and obsessed and clenched jaw and clenched fists and clenched neck. I was even sucking on my checks like a baby rooting for her next feeding. When I closed my eyes I could see swirls of light and dark almost paisley patterns. It was AWFUL! Tried to wake my husband who was in corpse pose and snoring like a champ. I finally got up at 3 a.m. took a bath. Too hot, too cold, too hot. Got out took a Benadryl and did a crossword puzzle with the dog until I felt like I could lay down and actually sleep, or a least lay still. The next day I was anxious and emotional and really disappointed. For me, for my kids and more so for my poor husband.

We have been together over twelve years and for the first seven I was in an almost "remission" of sorts from the depression. I had my days but nothing like I was earlier in my life. And then I became pregnant with my son.

During my pregnancy it all came crumbling down.

I honestly thought I had kicked the depression, kicked the deep dark stuff. It came back like one of those Lord of the Rings Dark Riders. Faceless, looming, terrifying. It might leave for a bit but it would smell or feel me out and come back, just as scary and just as dark.

There have been hospitalizations and really, really terrible times. My family have seen me go from active to bedridden time and again.

So to say I want this med to work is the understatement of a lifetime! I want it to work for Z and T and S and me. I want to feel truly alive again. I want the multiple stimuli sensitivity to go away so I can be in the same room with them, TV on, kettle whistling and water running without feeling like I need to get out immediately or I will explode. I want to be able to "handle" things again. I don't want my husband to have to come looking for me, to find me cowered in a corner of our garage behind a motorcycle and some galvanized cans rocking back and forth because I am beyond calming down and afraid my children will see me in this state. I want better for them.

I will take this pill tomorrow, and if it doesn't work, which I really feel terrible saying, will most likely be the case, then I will call the doc on Thursday and get yet another script and take that and see how that goes. After that if it doesn't work my guess is he will have me take a break and see how things go. I know this routine like the back of my hand.

I want to live for my family, but more importantly I want to want to live for me. I am still here and much to my shock and awe still clawing at the mud as it crumbles down around me, as I slide and dig my feet into the side of the mountain. I am not sure if the slide will stop and I will be able to crawl to the top and see a panoramic view or if I will be stuck in that place, sliding ceased but hanging on for dear life, or if I will let go.

I fear each of those outcomes equally.

A bad trip...cure, or sure fire way to be institutionalized for good?

I do not think I am a good candidate for stimulants. Last night, three days after taking a half tab of a new med I was cramping from anxiety curled up in a ball on my yoga mat, that is a position right?

I know this med is supposed to give me energy but this is the wrong type of energy. This energy is in the pit of my stomach and makes my chest tight and my head spin, rather like the energy Linda Blare gave off in the Exorcist. I kinda think I will eventually projectile the green vomit. Hopefully it will be my anxiety coming out.

That's it, I need an exorcism! Screw this Pharma shit I need a Priest STAT!

The thought of having a priest come in an help me with my anxiety feels rather oxymornish due to my recovering catholic status. Could it be a reverend from the UU or maybe a buddhist monk? However I don't think they would get my anxiety to bubble up in the way I need it to.

Maybe I need a trip to Peru for a good Ayahuasca experience. I have friends that did it and they definitely purged!!!! My fear is that I would run in the jungle and end up a cannibal's kept wife. That doesn't sit well with my whole being a vegetarian thing.


Monday, December 8, 2014

Mild Stimulant or Major Agitator?

Captains Log 2

Day one 


So far...FOE!

Will try every other day per doc. I am really not looking forward to the next dose. :(

I hate this process. Can't even write.

More to follow...

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Moments of Madness: SAY HELLO TO MY little FRIEND?

Moments of Madness: SAY HELLO TO MY little FRIEND?


Captain's Log 1

Well, today is the day I begin my "small dose" of a stimulant. Friend or Foe, we shall see!

As requested, and something I do mostly to amuse myself, I read the side effects. Ahhhh, they didn't disappoint.

A few stand outs: 

"An empty tablet shell may appear in your stool. This effect is harmless" 
Well, since the pill is smaller than a tic tac I assume I should feel no pain; I have birthed two children. So far, just skeeved by the wording "tablet shell in stool."

Mild Side effect: 
"Sudden outbursts of words/sounds that are hard to control" 
Okay, so I may be able to focus and get my laundry done, but I will now have Tourette's Syndrome...might be a fair trade. Ask my family, I already have sudden outbursts. Getting the laundry done whilst outbursting is a win in my book!

"Fainting, seizures, symptoms of heart attack or stroke, rash, itching/swelling, severe dizziness, trouble breathing"
Hmmmm. Well, if it helps with my executive functioning skills what's a little partial paralysis, weeping eczema, and inability to breathe?!

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE (which seems to be more common in most medications these days) 
"An erection lasting four or more hours"
If I get an erection that last that long I'm not leaving the house, nor am I calling anyone, especially the doctor!

For that you have to call the FDA 1-800 number where they make you listen to the rest which is read by that same annoying person in the commercials that speaks at the speed of light to fit in as much of the warnings as possible without anyone actually being able to understand a word of what they are saying.

Ahhhhhh, "Better living through chemistry." Let the games begin.

First stop, nephew's second birthday party. If I try to pop out of his Toy Story cake as Jessie I think I may have to call my doctor.

...to be continued.

Thanks for coming along for the ride!


Friday, December 5, 2014


So, my psychiatrist asked me why I missed my Mother so much...um, because she's DEAD!

I would have come back with a sassier remark but I was too busy pinching myself to see if this was yet another nightmare! Apparently he doesn't have a close relationship with his Mother. Maybe she is his MOTHER to her NORMAN?!?!

I realize he is basically just my drug dealer so I shouldn't be surprised by his abrupt cluelessness, but damn.

Then after asking me how I am doing he concluded that "you want to go into hibernation." Is that in the DSM 5? Is there a pill for that? Apparently YES! I am now going to try a "small dose" of a stimulant. So basically I take a pill to wake up and a pill to go to sleep. The way I am now I'm afraid they will be taken within an hour of each other! Stay tuned for future post on that!

Then we got into a bit of a conversation about religion where he deduced that all the conflict really came down to the ideology of one sex or another, male or female Gods...another hint at the Oedipus pattern....

So, lesson one: don't go to your psychiatrist on Friday, go on Monday, Monday's already SUCK!
And lesson two: ...I honestly don't think there is another lesson.

Happy Friday!

...Oh, one more thing that stood out. I said that being a woman was a cruel fate and he said "Being born is a cruel fate!" Just chew on that for a while!!!! This man prescribes my meds!