My head is spinning with thoughts, a normal occurrence for me.
I'm loving the Olympics, hating the cold weather, wishing I were more organized and mourning the death of Philip Seymour Hoffman.
Late last night I watched PBS American Masters: Alice Walker: Beauty in Truth, it really got my brain spinning about injustice and writing and people standing up for equal rights and living a life well lived and one I would call satisfying and fulfilling. I, whether good nor bad, am an all or nothing kind of person, and I'm afraid I have gone the way of nothing rather than all. I related so much with Alice Walker's total immersion into her creativity. She states, in her blog "Although I have tried many times to take a “sabbatical” from writing, I have never succeeded." I envy her ability to honor her creative gifts and write consistently throughout her life.
I have constantly run from my call to creativity. When I have succumb to it I felt a sense of Zen that I knew was something I could easily become addicted to. When I put my head and heart into something I am passionate about I lose myself completely. My fear, now that I have a family, is that I won't know how to balance focus on family and focus on my passion, so I let my passion flounder...and it shows. It shows in the snippiness and the mood swings. It shows in my impatience and my inexplicable sadness. It shows in my panic attacks and my burst of down right rage. So why do I continue to torture myself? I am so afraid I will never be able to balance the two and be successful at both. One will surely suffer, so in the end it is I who suffers.