...And now back to your regularly scheduled program

I'm Baaaaack, sorta.

I was, as we with mental illness like to say, "in a complete state of fucked-upness."
I am not out of the woods, as I never know when, or if I will just slide back down or come out of it for a little and get sucked back into the vortex of hell.

The winter was brutal and I caved and went to the doc to see if he could help me with a new med. As per usual, the process of figuring out what medication works at what level and how long it takes to work is, in my opinion, torturous.

Last summer I had it in my head that within a year I would get off Pharma meds and onto tinctures, naturopathic therapies and yoga. A few weeks ago I would have mainlined Cheez Whiz if someone told me it would cure me of the debilitating anxiety and depression.

I believe I am in my third week of the new med and it is clear that it is adding anxious energy and nothing else. I am OVER IT! I have been unavailable to my kids and my husband, escaping to the confines of my bed, even more that usual. Our house is VERY small, like 950 sq. ft. so while I am laying there I am listening to the three year old pound through the house like a giant looking for his stolen harp. The ten year old is stomping and whining because she can't wear shorts and a tank top outside to play, in winter, and the husband is feverishly storming the castle attempting to catch up with the household duties that I have been unable to do.

Yes, I have the headphones the block out sound but sometimes I forget to put them on. They do work. My fear is that I will become too attached and I will not be able to survive without constantly wearing the "green chainsawing ear muffs!"

Sometimes I wonder if it I could legally opt to become deaf, someway giving my ability to hear to someone who can't, but wants to, would I do it? Would it help me with my sensitivities to all stimuli which cause me to clench, go within and eventually send me into bed. I mean the pills don't work. The small house is not my sanctuary, and leaving the house every time I get overwhelmed would be, well, it would be abandonment of my family!

Hmmmmmmm, something to think about...


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