Caesar Divine doesn't do 5AM!

My dog is driving me absolutely batty. He likes to sleep on the bed, my mistake. If I don't let him up he whines. He follows me around like I am made out of dog food, and he has decided the cat is his nemesis because she exists.

I am awaken this morning by the frantic jingling of his collar as he scratches his neck. He is a short-haired Queensland pointer mix and his hair is constantly shedding. Why I don't take that off at night as I do my own jewelry is a mystery to me, but then again I am still a mystery to a smattering of therapist that lay in my wake.

I finally summon the dog over and pet his head while he sits. Of course I find a tick, I find one or two every day. As a girl who did not grow up in the woods I am continually skeeved by the little bloodsuckers.

I head upstairs knowing that the dog will follow me like the gravy train. I walk into the bathroom and that is when he decides "eh, maybe she's not so great after all." I have to drag him into the bathroom and, with crust still in both of our eyes, find the tick on his black fur around his ears. He is constantly trying to get out of the bathroom by sliding backwards on his nails like Michael Jackson, if M.J. were a dog. I find the little bugger and the dog inevitably moves so I have to drag him back and look for it again, and this goes on, far too long for my taste since it's 5 a.m. I am able to get a hold of it, I pull and I don't think I get it so I shake the tweezers and head back it, looks like I got most of it, where is the bit I took off? After I remove the piece left in I start shaking him down like a NYC pick pocket. Then I look all over myself and the floor. At this point I am cleaning my bathroom because I HATE TICKS!

I open the door, kitty is standing there and the dog immediately goes into Cujo mode, for those of you who are too young to know who Cujo is, just think of a dog that Caesar Milan hasn't gotten to meet yet. Now mind you this is all at 5AM, and we live in a less than 1000 sq. ft. home, and the rest of the foursome is still asleep. The cat is meowing because she wants to eat, she is 20 lbs,  of course she wants to eat. The dog is in a tizzy because, well, "CAT!" With jaw clenched and back spasmed I get the dog to go to his bed by way of pointing with two fingers and my best Divine voice "BED, BED, BED!" He cowers and goes, only because I am following him with fingers jabbing in the air and THE VOICE.

I walk downstairs and feed the cat, I normally wouldn't at that time of the morn but she won't stop meowing and the dog is salivating. I pour her cuppa chow and the minute the feed hits the bowl the dog is up and at the top of the stairs. I then go into my routine and get him to his bed. I then feed him and decide to get a tea to calm my nerves before I jack myself up on java.

He eats, and has since we got him, like he is in a "eat the most hot dogs in an minute" race. He wins! I do the routine a few more times because now the asshole cat is taunting him...I will deal with her later! "Bed, bed, bed," making sure he is submissive I walk away and go back a few times just to make sure he still knows I am CAESAR DIVINE! Pissed off C.D. at 5 a.m. is NOT pretty.

I finally have a few minutes to write and the cat comes in and goes right to her favorite place where the mice like to come out, sing songs and sew pretty garments. The dog gets up with tunnel vision for the cat. I have to do my routine over, and over, and over again. The cat is still sitting in her position and the dog is between the kitchen and living room watching her and me with equal intensity, ears perked and in full pointer pose, only when I look over at him he wags his tail. If he could he would lean against the wall, twirl his fingers and roll his eyes like Bugs Bunny dressed up like a teenager in saddle shoes.

I have NO idea how long this will go on. I have to get the canine out into the woods and let him run. I never thought this dog, this RESCUE dog, who was so meek when we got him he didn't even bark, would turn out like this. The "foster parent" wasn't sure he would ever bark again. Well, I got news for him...he's a barking champ! Especially at 5 a.m. when a cat crosses his path!

Buddha Grant Me The Serenity!

This story brought to you by Honey Lavender Stress Relief Tea and Jim Beam, "Breakfast of Champions, and Caesar Divine.


  1. I can loan you my cat to discipline your dog, trust me, he's got the routine down pat! In a house with 9, yes 9 dogs, not a single one will cross his path wrong. He uses their doggie door at 5 am jut to get everyone in an up roar and demand to be fed. Really, since you're up at 5 anyway, I can loan him to you anytime He's a really cool cat, ask Sue, she'll vouch for him LOL.

  2. I love cats and dogs


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